Do you remember how I mentioned that I can milk cows in this post? Well, I exaggerated; just a little. With good intentions though. You see, it’s not every day that a girl (read lady) like me is presented with an opportunity to ‘sell’ themselves. My mum’s favorite joke is, ‘I now tell people that there’s a big billboard at the gate saying ‘Girls for sale.’’ What’s worse, she thinks it’s funny. She keeps telling it to me and I keep taking it personally. How dare you mum?!?

The last time she said that, I gave her a piece of my mind. ‘Point taken mum! But guess what? Your advert is not working. So you either put up a bigger bill board, pray for me a little more, or you leave me
the hell  alone.’ ‘The hell’ part was said in my mind. And she smiled, satisfied that her girl is not leaving her any time soon.

You will therefore forgive me for blowing my own trumpet a little too loud when I said that I could milk a cow. It doesn’t mean I can’t though. I can. A cow can’t die of not being milked (this is where I stop to say that, yes, a cow can die for not being milked; something to do with mastitis) but it would take me ages to do it.

So technically, I did not lie. A friend of mine was telling me how she includes Japanese and two other exotic languages in her resume. I told her to speak to me in the said languages and she was like. ‘Drop it already! ……….blah, blah, Damn it!’ Long story short, she can’t. But no, don’t you dare tell her that she can’t! This applies to me too.

It’s for that reason I promised this beautiful girl that I’d do a DIY post on how to milk a cow.

Assumptions

1. You are at your grandma’s somewhere in the heart of Nyandarua. (This county name can vary depending on who you are.)

2. The cow is not Friesian. (Take it from me; you don’t want a cow producing a river of milk on your first time.)

What you’ll need

• A shovel or an old plate (Not recommended)

• Small twigs and firewood.

• A soot covered sufuria.

• Water

• Two pieces of cloth(herein referred to as tit towels)

• Milking jelly’ e.g. Arimis

• A milking can, or bucket or whatever you call that thing.

• A rope

• Napier grass or weeds

Procedure

1. Go to the neighbor and ask for fire. No, don’t use the match box. You probably won’t find it anyway, plus it’s wastage of money.

2. You’ll be asked to sit and take tea or sweet potatoes or other sweet traditional things by your neighbor. Agree to take them after letting them know that you’re really in a hurry. If they don’t mind, could they just give you in a plate to take when you get home? If not, then just sit down and eat. If yes (and I can bet my sweet ass that it will be a yes), don’t forget to return the cup or plate after you’re done.

3. The glowing charcoal will be placed on the shovel. If you used the plate, make sure to run like mad; they get really hot; explains the not recommended part.

4. Use the twigs and firewood to light the fire. You’ll use this to heat the water.

5. Put the water in the small container

6. Carry the water, the milking bucket thing, the towel, the rope and the milking ‘jerry’ to the cow shed.

7. Fill the trough with the Napier grass.

8. Tie the cow’s legs with the rope.

9. Wash the tits with the towel dipped in the warm water.

10. Rinse and dry the tits

11. Apply a generous amount of the jelly on the tits. If not available, cooking fat will do. It’s a little messy(and by a little I mean a lot, lot messy), but it gets the job done.

12. Place the milking bucket under the cow

13. Starting with the hind tits, use both hands to squeeze and pull on the tits to milk out the milk.  Be warned, your left hand will hurt like crazy! To be on the safe side, do what I used to do… Use just one hand. The problem is, it’ll take you hours.

14. Do the same to the front tits. By the time you’re done with them, the hind ones will have gathered some more milk. So, go back again and again until all of them are dry.

15. I can’t remember whether we used to clean it again after that…

16. Untie the rope.

17. Congrats, you have successfully milked a cow for the first time.

Warning: Whatever you do, don’t let the cow step on your foot. You will cry and your nose will be running like hell by the time you get it to step away, but that will be nothing compared to what you’ll feel as the blood flows back to your foot. Trust me, the saliva in your mouth will feel like sand grains!! :’-(

Update: I wasn’t sure about step number 15, but this terrific blogger friend of mine just confirmed that you need to clean the tits after use 😉